23 Royal Wedding Souvenirs to Ease the Pain of Not Getting Invited

The royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is almost here, which means that an onslaught of alternately cute and sort of insane merchandise is upon us. Adorable tea towels? Yes, give me all of them. Unsettling face masks? Honestly, yes, give me those, too. Here, a roundup of the best royal wedding merchandise you can buy ahead of the big day.

This tote bag is both legitimately cute and the perfect size for carrying all your party accoutrements to the house of whichever friend has the biggest television.

Royal Castle Canvas Tote Bag, HARRODS, $50

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As an uncouth American who is not marrying royalty, I don’t actually know what tea towels are for, but this one is pretty cute.

Cotton Tea Towel, ULSTER WEAVERS (Available at Amazon), $25

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I would be lying if I said I had not already purchased this. Spoiler alert: It is wonderful.

Harry & Meghan: A Love Story Coloring Book, (Available at Amazon), $10

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You can never have too many commemorative plates commemorating events you did not attend.

Decorative Wedding Plate, ROYAL HERITAGE (Available at Amazon), $13

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Ditto commemorative mugs to match the aforementioned commemorative plates.

Decorative Mug, ROYAL HERITAGE (Available at Amazon), $15

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Let’s be real: Parts of this ceremony are going to be boring, so you’ll need something to pass the time while you wait for things to pick up again. Enter paper dolls!

Harry & Meghan Paper Dolls, $10 (Available at Amazon), $10

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Go ahead and stick them in scones if you must.

Meghan and Harry Cupcake Decorations, CAKESHOP (Available at Amazon), $4 for 12

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It’ll be like Meghan and Harry are actually there with you! Tiara for Meghan not included.

Harry & Meghan Standup Cutout, STAR CUTOUTS (Available at Amazon), $39

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Hang it on the door knob to let everybody know what you’re celebrating.

Royal Wedding Hanging Decoration, HISTORIC ROYAL PALACES SHOP, $25

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To keep your pants flour-free while you bake your celebratory scones.

Royal Wedding Apron, VICTORIA EGGS (Available at Amazon), $33

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Read it before May 19 so you can drop some knowledge on your fellow party guests. (Did you know Prince William was once nicknamed “the basher?”)

American Princess Book (Available at Amazon), $15

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To go with the scones! I know I’m really harping on this scones thing, but 4:30 a.m. is just too early for cupcakes, even for me.

Royal Wedding Tea, HARNEY & SONS (Available at Amazon), $20

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Though there are many plates out there commemorating this wedding, this is the only ~official~ one.

Royal Wedding Official Commemorative Plate, ROYAL COLLECTION SHOP, $67

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In case you want an ~official~ tea towel to match your ~official~ plates.

Royal Wedding Official Commemorative Tea Towel, ROYAL COLLECTION SHOP, $14

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In England they call cookies “biscuits” and that’s confusing, but these look tasty so I’ll allow it.

Official Commemorative Biscuit Tube, ROYAL COLLECTION SHOP, $8

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For your biscuits.

Commemorative Biscuit Tin, HISTORIC ROYAL PALACES SHOP, $21

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Perfect for storing all the melatonin you’ll have to take the night before the wedding to make yourself fall asleep at 7 p.m.

Royal Wedding Hinged Pill Box, WILLIAM EDWARDS HOME, $62

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Creepy, yes, but a great way to liven up a party.

Harry and Meghan Mask Pack, MODO (Available at Amazon), $13 for set of 2

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In case your party guests are more interested in morning-appropriate meals like “cereal” and “yogurt.”

Harry and Meghan Bowl, CATH KIDSTON, $13

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To quote the website that sells these gems: “Your prince will come.”

Royal Wedding Condoms, CROWN JEWELS, $14

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You need a vessel in which to dip your homemade scones.

Royal Wedding Tea Cup and Saucer, WILLIAM EDWARDS HOME (Available at Fortnum & Mason), $69

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The drawing here is just an artist’s rendering; the official dolls will not be revealed till the day of the wedding, once everyone knows what Meghan and Harry actually wore.

Meghan and Harry Porcelain Dolls, BRADFORD EXCHANGE, $160 each

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You can’t show up to a viewing party in regular studs! Who are you, Pippa?

Harry and Meghan Earrings, WITTY CHICKEN (Available at Etsy), $9

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