Bernie Kerik on what Sheldon Silver can expect in prison

Bernard Kerik, NYC’s onetime police commissioner. Front and center at 9/11, honored by Queen Elizabeth, would’ve been Bush’s pick to head Homeland Security. Next? Jail. Tax fraud. Former beat cop, NYPD chief, hero then felon. Released in 2013 after serving three years, Kerik knows the system.

So, Bernie, what’s Sheldon Silver, slammed with seven years, facing?

“Life will be finished. Prison is death with your eyes open.

“The federal system, 180 facilities, is minimum-security camp. No fences, no locks. Dormitory setting. He’s strip-searched. Deprived of family. Limited phone calls. Prison uniform. Allowed small money for commissary snacks. Mail is monitored. In a mess hall, he’ll get his kosher three meals similar to airplane-type food. Dinner’s over 5:30.

“He might transfer to a medical facility. Hospital ward. But good health care’s not happening. Not even close to the outside world. Despite his age, fragility or former status, they won’t go super-easy on him. Fearing criticism, they might even be harsh.

“He’ll be up 6:30, assigned some menial task like cleaning bathrooms, mopping the kitchen floor. He’ll meet others like him who’ll help him through the first 72-to-96 hours. Worst is the day you surrender when you lose your freedom. There’s so many hours in a day that you’ll lose your mind if you don’t do something. A system he never thought he’d be in, deprived of liberty, it’s a shock.

“No freedom or liberty. It’s hard, tough, depressive. You can become manic depressive — 75 percent of the day you do absolutely nothing. So it’s heavy on reading. I read 276 books in three years. Lots of walking even on track in the gym. I walked enough to have reached Hong Kong and back.

“You’re barred from an entire world you created. A whole universe is turning around and without you. Children graduate, families marry, grandkids grow and you’re out of it — sitting in a room with 30 others.

“Prisoners caged are like animals.”

Life imitates ‘Seinfeld’
New mom in Maryland was just reported testing positive for opiates after eating a poppy seed bagel the day her daughter was born. Her M.D. reported her to child-protective services.

So, now, hark back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ character Elaine in the “Seinfeld” episode “The Shower Head.” Tested before off to Kenya with her boss (played by John O’Hurley who, incidentally, now plays lawyer Billy Flynn in B’way’s “Chicago”), she tested positive. For opium. From poppy seeds in her muffin.

Life isn’t a cabaret, it’s a “Seinfeld” episode.

Here’s what I’m hearing
Selena Gomez filming zombie comedy flick “The Dead Don’t Die” in nearby Fleischmanns, NY, was at the Catskills’ Emerson Resort & Spa with Carol Kane and Gomez’s co-stars Bill Murray, Adam Driver, Chloë Sevigny … Audience Rewards, a program for patrons of the performing arts, is having some sort of event on Sept. 14, Sony Hall, 5 to 7 p.m. Loyal performing artist Kerry Washington headlines.

Please try to pay attention
Meanwhile, at Guild Hall, some Hamptons charity auctioned a private, exclusive never-before-tour of artist Ellsworth Kelly’s studio. Nice types present like jeweler Judith Ripka, former Dem chief Judith Hope. Opening offer was set at $25,000. Nobody bid. Nobody. His enraged friend — a k a director of his foundation — screamed at everyone. Tsk Tsk. The Hamptons, a k a the Cheaptons.

First me, then critters
Last week I wrote about TV news anchors. Next day on their program, Fox-TV’s morning pair Lori Stokes and Rosanna Scotto held up the New York Post and talked about my column and what’s in it. Immediately after their shout-out, next on their show came an animal trainer. They followed me with a live snake and a live skunk.

How about that for only in New York, kids, only in New York.

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