A neighbour let off some fireworks at midnight last Sunday. Midnight. Sunday.

One of my neighbours let off some fireworks at midnight last Sunday.

Midnight. Sunday. Just making sure you noted those details.

I’m not being a tedious pet owner or parent here – my cats are hardcore, and my kid’s such a deep sleeper he would snore on through… well, fireworks going off right outside his bedroom window at midnight on a Sunday, to pluck a random example from the air.

It was annoying, of course, as it showed a staggering lack of consideration for everyone else in the world, and utter selfishness. But mainly because it wasn’t Fireworks Night until Monday.

To stop travesties like this occurring, I’ve compiled a list of rules for the major holidays and public celebrations of the year. If we all stick to them from now on, hopefully no one will enjoy something wrong again.

Valentine’s Day

Only for you if you’re 14 or in the first year of a relationship. Otherwise, stop showing off.

St Patrick’s Day

If you’re Irish, you’re legitimately celebrating. If you’re not, you’re just drunk. Having distant relations in Ireland only counts if you’ve mentioned them any time ever during the 364 days of the year that aren’t St Patrick’s Day.

Shrove Tuesday

Even though no one knows what or when this holiday is, you must eat a pancake – even if you don’t particularly like pancakes – or you have failed.

April Fools’ Day

Before doing any prank, stop and ask yourself one question: Is this the kind of thing Keith Lemon would laugh at? If so – needless to say – abort.

Easter

Easter needs to just be happy being Easter, and stop trying to be Christmas. It is about chocolate eggs – the end. So, Easter presents? No way, Jose. Easter decorations? Nah. A list of people you have to send Easter cards to? Family Fortunes wah waaaaaah noise x infinity.

Halloween

Trick or Treating limit of 10 years old… so teenagers who haven’t even bothered to attempt a costume knocking on doors mumbling that they’d rather have money than sweets becomes a thing of the past.

Bonfire Night

Fireworks are acceptable over the ONE weekend closest to November 5 – NOT INCLUDING SUNDAY – and on November 5 ONLY. Firework curfew 10pm on weekends, 8pm on weekdays.

That’s why it starts getting dark at 4.30pm just before Bonfire Night – it’s Mother Nature’s way of encouraging you not to be a selfish tw*t.

Thanksgiving

Are you either American or in America? Don’t be ridiculous then.

Christmas

Not to be mentioned before December, apart from once in October when you have to state your outrage at seeing Christmas stuff in shops already.

If you either have a kid, or are a kid, you may then be into it. If not, you either count the days until it’s over or are too drunk to count the days until it’s over.

Afterwards, when anyone asks how your Christmas was, you must say “quiet” even if it was noisier than my neighbours who did fireworks on a Sunday at midnight.

New Year’s Eve/Day

Only for you if you’re 14 or in the first year of a relationship.

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