I discovered videos of my wife pleasuring herself which she sent to a dozen men

DEAR DEIDRE:  I DISCOVERED videos of my wife pleasuring herself, which she had sent to at least a dozen men. 

I found them two weeks after her funeral as I was clearing her laptop. It’s like a second bereavement.

She died suddenly aged 49, after a brain haemorrhage. 

I thought she was wonderful and believed we had a strong marriage.

Her death hit me hard and, four years on, I’m still struggling to deal with my upsetting find. 

She had been sending these sexual videos, and emails too, for the last three years of our marriage. I couldn’t equate the provocative language with the woman I loved. 

I knew things hadn’t been great between us sexually for a while but my wife didn’t say anything, so I assumed because she was going through the menopause, she just didn’t want sex as much.

It never crossed my mind what she was really up to.

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All the nights she used to stay up late now made sense. 

I have since remarried and I love my new wife dearly, but I can feel myself drifting into depression when I think of what my late wife did.

I am 55 and my wife is 53. I haven’t had any counselling even though my wife has suggested I see someone many times. My GP says I am suffering from what he called “complicated grief”.

Ever since my discovery I have suffered from erectile dysfunction.

My wife is being very supportive and sympathetic, but I know she is worried about me. 

I feel so down that I feel worthless and afraid of the future.

DEIDRE SAYS:  What a heart-breaking discovery. Your late wife was very wrong to deceive you but let’s focus on comforting you, rather than blaming her.

Don’t allow her secret to destroy every other good thing you believed about her, or wipe out years of happy memories. 

I am sure she did love you, and this sexual betrayal was borne out of lack of communication alone. 

Time alone will not heal you. Healing is a choice you make so decide how you want to spend the rest of your life.

You will be transformed once you make the decision to move forward. But you need understanding support to talk it through. Contact Cruse (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).

You may be being put off your stride in bed now because you are depressed. Have a check-up with your doctor to rule out underlying treatable causes. My support pack Solving Erection Problems can help you too.

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