My secret lover of 15 years died and I can’t tell a soul how devastated I am

DEAR DEIDRE: FOR 15 years I had been having an affair. My lover dropped dead but I can’t tell a soul how devastated I am.

I am a woman of 45. We started our affair when we worked together, before I had my children. 


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My husband is 48. He’s lovely but our ­marriage is dull. My lover married somebody else but our affair still continued.

He constantly begged me to commit. I couldn’t because of my children and I tried to finish with him.

He would spoil me, buy me gifts and give me money. My husband is old-fashioned and I’d only get “housekeeping money” from him. My lover had a heart attack in March but of course no one told me. 

I was worried because he wasn’t answering my messages. When lockdown eased the golf-club receptionist told me he’d passed away. I’m so incredibly sad.

DEIDRE SAYS: It must have been devastating to find out that way and having nobody you can share your grief with feels harsh, though it often happens to secret lovers.

Find support through thegoodgrieftrust.org.

Now you have to decide whether your affair was propping up a hopeless marriage. My e-leaflet Your Relationship MOT can help.

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