RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: First there was Air Force One, then Blair Force One… now it’s welcome aboard Hair Force One
Boris Johnson is splashing out £900,000 of taxpayers’ money giving his official jet a funky makeover, including a spiffing red, white and blue paint job.
Still, with £300billion already flushed down the gurgler, what’s another million quid on a few cans of Dulux?
The RAF A330 Voyager is being repainted from its original battleship grey to help promote the new post-Brexit, global Britain.
Critics are already comparing it to the plane in the Austin Powers movie Goldmember. Shagadelic, baby!
It sounds like a flying version of the famous Vote Leave battle bus.
Welcome aboard ‘Hair Force One’ – Richard Littlejohn has poked fun at what RAF Voyager’s on board service might be like after its £900,000 makeover
Perhaps they plan to plaster ‘£350million a week for the NHS’ on the fuselage, along with the obligatory rainbow symbol.
Mind you, in the current climate, a Black Lives Matter logo is more likely.
The U.S. President has Air Force One. Tony Blair had Blair Force One. So who could begrudge Boris his very own Hair Force One?
Plans are already well advanced for the inaugural test flight.
It is expected to go something like this:
Good morning ladies, gentlemen and members of the non-binary and transgendered communities. This is Captain BoJo speaking. Welcome aboard Hair Force One. My co-pilot today is First Officer Cummings, who assures me he is completely recovered from his recent car crash in Downing Street.
Leading our world-beating cabin crew is Jacob, who will be looking after our Upper Class customers.
The economy cabin is in the capable hands of Priti, who is also responsible for discipline.
Anyone caught defacing airline property will be subject to a jail sentence of not less than ten years.
We apologise for the delay to our departure, which has been caused by Extinction Rebellion activists chaining themselves and a large pink yacht to the runway.
This flight is fully Covid compliant. Your health and safety is our number one priority, so please pay close attention to the pre-flight demonstration.
Passengers must observe social distancing regulations and stay two metres apart.
To this end, we have removed three-quarters of the seats.
Remember to wear your face masks, plastic aprons and surgical gloves at all times.
Our flight attendants will be passing among you checking temperatures. Owing to the total failure of Public Health England to supply digital testing equipment, we will be using rectal thermometers.
Please assume the position when requested. We are expecting to encounter turbulence for the foreseeable future.
In the event of a sudden lack of oxygen, don’t be alarmed. Ventilators will drop from the panel above your head.
Before we push back from the stand, passengers are required to take the knee as a mark of respect to the Black Lives Matter movement.
There will also be a compulsory minute’s applause for Our Amazing NHS.
Anyone declining to take part in either of these spontaneous tributes will be removed from the aircraft by our head of security, Mr Basu, and prosecuted for hate crime.
Unfortunately, we are unable to offer our usual award-winning in-flight meal service today, as our galley — in common with all other restaurants — is closed. However, we have been able to secure a supply of Greggs’ steak bakes, which are available for a small charge. Debit or credit cards only, please.
There will be no alcohol served on board today, either. The drinks trolley, like the pubs, remains shut until further notice. This is a nonsmoking, non-vaping service, but hippy crack can be inhaled once we are Eight Miles High.
Please be advised that the restrooms on this aircraft are locked, in common with every other public toilet in Britain.
This is not only to prevent the transmission of coronavirus, it is also because we have been unable to lay our hands on any bog rolls.
Shewees are available on request.
Boris Johnson, joined by French President Emmanuel Macron, watched as the Red Arrows and La Patrouille de France flew over London on Thursday
We apologise for any incovenience caused, not least to those wanting to join the Mile High Club.
We also regret that duty free sales will not resume until we have completed our departure from the European Union.
You may also notice a number of last-minute changes to the inflight entertainment advertised in our guide.
Some programmes, including Little Britain, Fawlty Towers and Come Fly With Me, have been withdrawn, along with problematic films such as Darkest Hour and Zulu.
We have also withdrawn all episodes of Inspector Morse on the off-chance that someone might catch an unwitting glimpse of the deeply offensive statue of Cecil Rhodes in Oxford.
However, by way of compensation, our purser Rishi Sunak will be passing through the cabin handing out free money, equivalent to 80 per cent of the fare you paid for this flight.
We note there are a large number of children with us today, on account of the schools still being shut.
As a special treat, Dishy Rishi will be giving each of them a £15 voucher, which can be redeemed at any popular fast-food outlet, along with a signed photo of Marcus Rashford.
Once we are airborne, our flight path will follow the route of the A1(M) towards Durham.
If you look out of the windows on the left, you will be able to see historic Barnard Castle, provided your eyes aren’t playing you up.
On arrival back at the airport, all passengers will be required to return home by public transport and self-isolate for 14 days.
Stay alert, as we shall be flying by the seat of our pants.
And, incidentally, when I mentioned our ‘galley’ it wasn’t a reference to slavery, but I should like to apologise to anyone who may have taken offence, just in case.
Thank you for choosing Hair Force One.
Richard Littlejohn asks: Should Lewis Hamilton give his earnings back to Mercedes, a firm which made vast profits from slavery?
Tax exile Lewis Hamilton has applauded the toppling of statues and called for all ‘racist symbols’ around the world to be removed.
He did so while wearing a baseball cap bearing a large Mercedes badge.
The Formula One champ must have led a sheltered life. Otherwise he might have known that during World War II, under the Nazis, Mercedes used 40,000 slave labourers.
The company even built Hitler’s car.
Hamilton is reported to be paid £40million a year by Mercedes, a firm which made vast profits from slavery.
Now he’s aware of their racist past, shouldn’t he give the money back?
Uncle Ben’s rice is to drop its traditional figurehead to combat racial stereotyping.
Since 1946, it has featured a portrait of an elderly African American man, in a bow tie, said to be based on a famous head waiter at a Chicago hotel.
The image is outdated and the company believes it is time to ‘evolve’.
But this could have a knock-on effect. How long before repeats of Only Fools And Horses are pulled off air by the BBC?
In one episode, Del Boy takes his girlfriend to an Indian restaurant.
He orders a chicken tikka, a mutton Madras, a pair of onion bhajis, four popadoms, some naan bread and a couple of portions of rice.
‘Yes, sir,’ says the waiter. ‘Which rice would you like?’ ‘Have you got any Uncle Ben’s?’
How long are we going to have to suffer footballers and officials taking the knee at the start of every game?
It would be far more significant if clubs appointed a few BAME managers, rather than indulging in hollow gesture politics.
Meanwhile, the players all seem to have changed their name to Black Lives Matter. That gets confusing.
‘Black Lives Matter passes to Black Lives Matter, who beats Black Lives Matter before being brought down on the edge of the area by Black Lives Matter …’
The resumption of games this week only served to remind me how much I hate everything about football, except the football.
Keen gardener Glenn Tabor has sculpted his privet hedge into a canoe, being paddled by a Native American chief in full headdress.
How long before a howling mob descends on his home in Leeds and tears the hedge down? After all, Red Lives Matter, too
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