Tracey Cox shares advice on how NOT to end up a 'lonely, single man

How NOT to end up a ‘lonely, single man’: Tracey Cox shares brutally honest advice, from getting real about your pulling power to avoiding ‘grey area’ cheating – and focusing on your partner’s orgasm first

  • British sex expert Tracey Cox revealed what men can do not to end alone
  • Rise in ‘lonely, single men’ standards has been reported as women’s heightened
  • Tracey said tidying up and getting on top of finances will keep men eligible 

American psychologist Greg Matos caused a media storm last week when he suggested men need to up their game if they don’t want to end up ‘lonely, single’ men.

Women are demanding more and men are struggling to meet these demands, he said. Not just middle-age men, either, but young men as well.

Women aged 25 to 45 now want men who are good at communicating, expressing emotions and who share similar values.

Let’s be honest here, women have ALWAYS wanted men with these qualities. We just didn’t have the courage or self-esteem or whatever it is that holds us back to demand it.

But now we do.

Matos says men need to address a skills deficit.

Here’s my practical advice on how to do it.

I anticipate the comments section will be buzzing with men talking about how women should change.

But for the men who would genuinely like to find a happy, stable, long-term relationship and don’t know why it isn’t happening, I hope it’s helpful.

Brace yourselves for some home truths!

Sex expert Tracey Cox shares her tips to help British men avoid the ‘lonely single man’ trap after it was revealed women are heightening their standards when it comes to relationships. Stock image 

GETTING A PARTNER

Make sure your home isn’t a tip

Romcoms might love a bachelor pad that’s littered with empty beer bottles, half-full takeaway containers, overflowing ashtrays and clothes slung everywhere.

But it’s a huge red flag if you walk into a prospective partner’s home and see chaos.

Our homes reflect our lives. If your house is unorganised and there’s not even an attempt to keep things clean, it’s unlikely you’re in control of the rest of it.

You don’t need to have sparkling surfaces but it’s going to score you big brownie points if there is a sense of order and the environment is welcoming.

While you’re looking around with critical eyes, what’s on your coffee table or the one in the hallway?

Tracey said tidying up and getting on top of finances will make men more attractive

Get on top of your finances

Yes, lots of women dream of meeting a guy with lots of money. Most are happy with a man who pays his bills and isn’t massively in debt.

A coffee table littered with unpaid bills, calls and visits from angry landlords wanting rent, mountains of debt and no plan of how to repay it – evidence of this will have any self-respecting woman running for the hills.

If you’re in trouble financially, call your bank to get help to sort it out. Stop spending money you don’t have.

You don’t need to earn footballer money to attract women, but you do need to demonstrate that you can manage your finances.

Be a grown up

This means not sitting around gaming all day, getting drunk in the pub with your mates, spending hours watching online porn and basically acting like a 20-year-old when you’re in your mid 30s or older.

This type of behaviour often goes hand in hand with the two previous points – bad money management and a house that’s disgusting.

Tick all three boxes and you can absolutely expect to be lonely and single.

Sort your life out THEN start dating.

Deal with your exes

‘I had a first date with a guy which was perfect – until his ex knocked on the door at 2am, as we were sitting having coffee and talking,’ one woman told me. 

‘He told me she was a psycho and couldn’t accept it was over. Turned out he’d ghosted her, and she was confused and upset.’

Women can sniff out unfinished business miles away. We are also aware that exes who ‘refuse to leave you alone’ are usually being given the ‘come-here-go-away’ treatment.

You’re still calling them for a booty call when you feel like a bit or don’t want to completely cut loose because it’s flattering having them begging to come back.

Clean out your cupboards before trying to attract a new partner.

American psychologist Greg Matos, pictured, caused a media storm last week when he suggested men need to up their game if they don’t want to end up ‘lonely, single’ men 

Stop blaming everyone else for your failings

While we’re on the topic of old loves, claiming all your ex-girlfriends are ‘nutters’ and that’s why you’re single, isn’t going to cut it.

Really? All your failed relationships were the woman’s fault and nothing to do with you?

At the very least it means you make poor choices; at the best you won’t accept responsibility for your failings.

What will impress is showing you’ve thought long and hard about why your previous relationships didn’t work – and your part in that.

People are notorious for carrying the same problems into every relationship, thinking swapping partners will fix things.

Have an honest look back at recurring themes. All the women you date ‘expect too much’? Could it be you’re offering too little?

Be realistic about your pulling power

When women go on a dating app and are asked the age range of men they’ll date, they tick the age group that’s their own, give or take a few years.

Most men aged 50 tick 30 and under. Hell, men aged 60 tick 30 and under.

I am constantly floored when men who haven’t got a lot going for them, refuse to consider dating a woman who is ‘too old, too fat, not attractive enough, not sexy enough’.

There they stand – balding, with a big beer belly, badly dressed, with an average job, a boring outlook on life, no sense of joy or humour and very little to offer – rejecting a woman whose breasts aren’t as big as they’d like.

What do these men see when they look in the mirror?

I get that it’s a male thing to big yourself up. But there’s bigging yourself up and being totally deluded in what you’re realistically going to pull.

Get real!

KEEPING A PARTNER

Attracting someone is one thing. Keeping them satisfied long-term requires a different skill set. Some ‘must-dos’ are quite simple.

Don’t cheat

Of course, you know this. Right?

Or do you?

What constitutes cheating in your eyes? Having full sex with someone?

It’s a rare person who won’t agree that this ticks the ‘Yup! I was unfaithful’ box.

For many men, though, the rest is a grey area.

‘Special occasions’ like stag weekends aren’t a leave pass to do what you want. It’s not OK to snog someone and roll around on a bed, even if you do keep your clothes on, just because your mates did it.

Sending a d**k pic isn’t ‘just good fun’. Ditto receiving sexy photos from other women. And no, she didn’t just send it without any encouragement from you.

Liking every photo on another woman’s social media feed and posting ‘hot’ emojis isn’t acceptable. Neither is contacting old exes for a catch up, and not telling your partner.

Watching the odd bit of porn is fine but interacting with women on live webcams is a completely different ball game.

Being faithful means exactly that: only having any type of sexual interaction with the person you’ve pledged to be monogamous with. This includes online activity.

Being faithful also means only sharing your intimate thoughts and dreams with your partner.

Having a ‘work wife’ that you moan to about your partner or tell personal things you don’t confide in her, is called emotional cheating.

Learn communication skills

According to Matos, not being able to communicate effectively is a man’s biggest problem.

He’s right.

I’m a big podcast fan and currently listening to one that features men who are at the top of their game in business.

I’ve listened to four so far and in every single one, each man has expressed how much they envy women for their ability to connect and communicate easily.

These are men who are wealthy, well-educated, highly motivated high achievers. Yet all admitted to being woefully bad at identifying and articulating their emotional needs. Not only didn’t they know what they needed or wanted to be happy in their relationships, they had no clue of how to ask for it.

It’s not men’s fault.

Young boys are raised to be ‘doers’, to act rather than reflect. Boys head outside and play sport or stay inside and play games. This is why, rather than talk about problems, they jump straight to the ‘how do I solve this?’ bit.

Young girls sit and talk, about everything that’s happening to them, to each other. Is it any wonder we end up great communicators and men end up rubbish at it.

Communication skills can be learned.

There are books detailing about how to do it, podcasts that talk about it, online courses you can do. (Check out the goodmenproject.com for starters.)

Or ask her to help you. Say, ‘I don’t think I’m very good at expressing my emotions or communicating with you. Can you help me figure it out?’.

Nothing will improve your chances of finding and keeping a partner than becoming a decent communicator.

Be emotionally available

‘What does that even mean?’ is the reaction I get from most men if this comes up.

THE FOUR WORST MISTAKES MEN MAKE DURING SEX 

It’s not just out of bed that new rules apply. Make sure you aren’t guilty of any of these sex sins.

Thinking porn is real

Threesomes, (unprepared) anal sex, choking – these happen regularly in porn. Some men – particularly young men – expect this to be on the agenda when they’re having sex with their partner.

What people do in porn is not reflective of what most couples do in real life. Forcing her to let you ‘choke’ her, getting annoyed because she won’t indulge you in a threesome, wanting anal sex and not being willing to take things slow – none of this is acceptable.

Porn isn’t sex education either. All those women moaning over men thrusting away – it’s bollocks!

Thinking sex means intercourse

Female orgasms originate from the clitoris which is OUTSIDE the vagina. Thrusting with your penis is not going to give her a climax, unless you add clitoral stimulation (use your fingers or a sex toy on the clitoris during intercourse).

She might enjoy having P in V sex, but only 20 per cent of women climax from it.

Adopt the rule of ‘she comes first’.

Having your orgasm first

Most straight couples stop having sex once the man has ejaculated, nearly aways through intercourse.

If she hasn’t had an orgasm before you have intercourse, she misses out. (It’s a rare man who will happily dispense an orgasm, once he’s had one.)

This is why lots of men make sure their partner climaxes, either through oral sex, using a sex toy or using his (or her) fingers, before moving onto the bit where nearly all men do.

Not giving oral sex

Refusing to give oral sex robs a lot of women from the one reliable way they can orgasm with a partner.

It also sends a clear message: I find your genitals distasteful and off-putting.

..but expecting her to do it

The only thing more insulting than refusing to perform oral sex is expecting her to give you oral sex, when you won’t reciprocate.

That’s just plain rude.

 

Being ’emotionally available’ means committing to the relationship. Making plans for the future and sticking by them, not being selfish and only doing what you want. It means putting energy into a relationship: calling regularly, doing nice things for your partner, spending time together, making them an important person in your life.

Treating her decently, in other words.

Open up about your feelings

Being emotionally available also means showing vulnerability: telling her things about yourself that make you feel uncomfortable. Painful things from your past, those niggly worries that you know are silly but plague you, nonetheless.

Letting someone get close to you.

Don’t know where to start?

Start small. Think of something personal that you haven’t shared from your childhood. ‘Did I tell you how much I used to love collecting bugs when I was a kid?’. Get used to talking about yourself and telling little stories, then work up to the important stuff: ‘Did I ever tell you that my Dad wasn’t around much when I was young?’

Be a team player

We don’t want a man who will ‘take charge’, we want a partner who will stand beside us.

Couples today make joint decisions, talk things through. Women want to be involved and valued not talked down to or patronised.

The whole ‘Don’t worry your pretty little head darling, I’ll take care of it’ is over.

Don’t leave us to do everything

Women shoulder a lot of responsibility. We’ll clean, cook, look after the kids, organise social gatherings, look after both sets of parents AND work nine-to-five and wonder why we’re exhausted at the end of the day.

This is partly our fault: women are raised to be nurturing, so ‘mothering’ a partner comes naturally.

But have you ever met or heard of a man who has stood up and said: ‘But this isn’t fair! Why should you be doing everything? Let me help!’.

It’s human instinct to let someone take over what we’re too lazy to do.

But women are becoming wise. For starters, we now expect men to…

Share the bloody chores

Surprise, surprise: in households where men do their share of the chores, there’s more sex and happiness.

That ‘I didn’t see it’ when the sink is overflowing with dishes is a cop-out. So is dropping your pants and socks on the floor and expecting her to pick them up. Never making the bed. Never doing a load of washing. What are you? A dinosaur?

Sit down and make a fair split: split the things you both hate doing and then divide up the rest of the chores based on who’d prefer doing what.

Do the same with looking after the kids, social responsibilities, maintaining relationships with parents and others who rely on you.

You might be surprised where all this takes you.

Tracey’s SexTok podcast, her blog, books and info about her can be found at traceycox.com. You’ll also find lots of new products added to her two product ranges, Supersex and Edge, in the ‘shop’ section.

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