SOMETHING odd happened at the end of This Morning’s interview with Love Island’s Nathan, Danielle and Chyna last week.
Phillip Schofield turned to them and said: “It’s great having you back in the country,” like they’d been up in the Space Station, with Major Tim Peake, or Helmand Province, rather than a sunbathing contest on ITV2.
At that point I knew Britain had lost its friggin’ mind over this television show.
I’m no innocent here, of course. I’m hooked on the damn thing and actively seek out fellow Love Island obsessives for conversations.
So with that and my unfailing commitment to quality/space-filling journalism in mind, a quiz to test your level of commitment, or introduce you to the combatants.
Answers at the bottom.
1. Marcel doesn’t like to talk about his time as a member of which group?
a) Blazin’ Squad.
b) The Spencer Davis Group.
c) ETA, the Basque separatist group.
2. Posh Scottish contestant Camilla earns her living in what unusual way?
a) Selling five cigarette lighters for £1 on Sauchiehall Street.
b) Landmine disposal in Zimbabwe.
c) Behind the counter in Dante's kebab shop, Dumfries.
3. How did Kem explain evolution to Sam and Amber?
a) Using basic Darwinian theory.
b) Via the Old Testament.
c) "A fish came out with legs, dropped a sperm and it's gone into humans."
4. What level of Spanish does Chris speak?
c) “We need garlic. Garlic! GAR-LIC. Garlicio?”
5. Complete little Kem’s sentence: “I’m probably the full package. If I was taller I’d . . . ”
a) “Still look like Stacey Solomon’s love child.”
b) “Be a ten.”
c) “Be allowed on the Oblivion ride at Alton Towers.”
6. Where was Tyla referring to when she said: “I once went on a date to . . . what’s that tall, pointy building?”
a) The temple at Angkor Wat, in Cambodia.
b) The Shard.
c) Round the back of Tilbury B power station, in Essex.
7. What piece of classical music did Kem have sex with Amber to last Wednesday?
a) The Flight of the Bumblebee.
b) Wagner’s Ring Cycle (all 15 hours).
c) The William Tell overture.
8. Amber described herself as what, on the first episode?
a) “The P in party.”
b) “The pee in pool.”
c) “The K in psycho.”
9. On day one Sam claimed: “I pull birds for a living.” But how many birds did he pull on Love Island?
a) All of them.
b) One (Montana).
c) None. Count them, NONE.
10. Unlucky-in-love Harley is what?
a) An international playboy.
b) A member of the SAS.
c) An industrial concreter from Norwich.
11. How many people did Chris say fancied him in the villa?
a) Just Olivia.
c) He’d never be so conceited as to suggest anyone fancied him.
12. What animal did Chris say he was like?
a) A polar bear.
b) A weasel.
c) A cock.
13. Marcel refers to his sexual organ by what affectionate nickname?
a) Lil’ M.
b) Rocky B.
c) Tinie Membah.
14. Marcel is how many years old?
c) He’s a full-grown, 31-year-old man.
15. Who said: “Time to get down to business. Enter The Flack?”
a) Love Island narrator Iain Stirling.
b) Harry Styles.
c) Prince Harry.
d) Harry Secombe.
e) Jack Street.
f) Blue Logan.
g) Rizzle Kicks’ Jordan.
h) Uncle Tom Cobley.
15. Probably most of them, but I’m going with a.
SCORES: If you scored 0-8, congratulations, you have a life.
If you scored 8-15, congratulations, you could present This Morning with Phillip Schofield.
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THE day after that whinnying pony dumped all over This Morning’s carpet, some mad woman’s pet crow unleashed an ear-bleeding squawk before dropping its load on Holly and Phillip’s sofa.
A fact I mention for two reasons.
First, because it was funny and, second, because Katie Price relaunched her singing her career on the Quest Red channel last night.
A fly-on-the-wall venture called My Crazy Life. Which is a bit of an optimistic title, given Katie’s life is horrendously dull, as a succession of ever more obscure television channels, like Sky Living, TLC and Quest Red, have learned the hard way.
The reason for this couldn’t be more obvious. The star of the show is interested in no one but herself.
Other people exist just to be bent to her stupid, toxic will, as we discovered when she announced: “I’m going to release a single, what do you think?”
Son Junior thought she was “having a laugh”.
Daughter Princess looked mortified.
Distressed pilot whales began beaching themselves up and down the coast of Britain.
Only one person, in fact, on the entire planet thought this was a good idea.
So I don’t need to tell you what happens next, do I?
Fetch the bucket and mop, Holly.
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