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As I watched a tape I\u2019d discovered in my parent\u2019s VCR selection at home, I was fascinated. I couldn\u2019t look away from a man and woman having sex.<\/p>\n
Aged 11, I was enthralled by the moving of the bodies and the joy they seemed to be experiencing.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, I heard a noise outside and quickly realised it was my mum on her way back home. I panicked and tried to eject the tape, but it jammed.<\/p>\n
Terrified of being caught, I threw the entire player out and ended up lying to her that it\u2019d stopped working. She didn\u2019t believe me, but \u2013 thankfully \u2013 nothing came of it.<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t even turned 12, but porn had already sunk its claws into me. It would be years later before I even realised that I was addicted to it.<\/p>\n
I began watching adult material around this time after a school friend of mine introduced me to it. I don\u2019t even remember the first video, but I knew I liked it \u2013 and wanted more.<\/p>\n
From that moment on, it quickly became an integral part of my life. It was the first thing I watched in the morning, and the last thing at night \u2013 it became just as normal to me as brushing my teeth.<\/p>\n
I initially accessed it via my computer at home, then it was constantly at my fingertips when I got my phone a few years later.<\/p>\n
Throughout my teens and early adult years, I used it to the point where I was absolutely exhausted some days. I couldn\u2019t go to the gym or concentrate on work. Sometimes, if I wasn\u2019t doing anything during the day, I would resort to porn out of boredom.<\/p>\n
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I was intoxicated by it and the way it made me feel. The rush on the way up until the climax, I wanted more and more of it. Seeing the different types of women made me feel like a kid at a candy store.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, discussions about the birds and bees were absent at home because \u2013 in my experience \u2013 Caribbean culture is conservative, and does not involve such taboo conversations. Sex education at school was pretty much non-existent, too.<\/p>\n
All of this is to say that pornography was my illegitimate sexual education tool. It\u2019s where I learned about sex, women\u2019s bodies and my own.<\/p>\n
As a result, it disturbed my understanding of real-life sex, as the things you see people do in these videos are not what average people do.<\/p>\n
This had a profound effect on my sex life. I would think about the porn stars I enjoyed watching and what they used to do \u2013 and what I wanted to do to them \u2013 instead of my sexual partner. My brain was used to the screen, and not always the real-life interaction.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I was over-sexualising women, and as a result, I viewed sex as simply conquest. How many women could I sleep with?<\/p>\n
I wanted everything I could have. I had a skewed view of intimacy, connection and sex.<\/p>\n
Slowly but surely \u2013 by the age of about 25 \u2013 my reliance on these videos became worse and a vicious cycle. I found myself viewing video categories that I would never have gone near when I first started or even acted out in real life. That\u2019s when I knew something was really changing in me.<\/p>\n
Platform is the home of Metro.co.uk’s first-person and opinion pieces, devoted to giving a platform to underheard and underrepresented voices in the media. <\/strong><\/p>\n Find some of our best reads of the week below:<\/p>\n An anonymous writer shares what rules she sets out for taking back her cheating husband.<\/p>\n Writer Grant Roberts details the first worrying warning sign he noticed before his father’s steady decline with dementia.<\/p>\n It took a trip abroad for columnist JJ Anisi\u00f8bi to realise how screwed Britain is.<\/p>\n When Rowan Atkins started peeing blood, she was terrified \u2013 but doctors didn’t take her pain seriously.<\/p>\n So I stopped at around 26. The catalyst was simply that my friend and I had a competition and I wanted to beat him.\u00a0<\/p>\n As a result, I denied myself these videos for a year and I surprised myself that it was the greatest relief. Many times I wanted to fold though, as it was part of my routine.\u00a0<\/p>\n The positive results of giving it up spoke for themselves. In the gym, I was more engaged and productive \u2013 and I found myself more in touch with the world. I wasn\u2019t over-sexualising women as much, and I felt more present at the moment.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, after a year of giving it up, I fell back into destructive habits. I just wanted to be reminded of the feeling of euphoria. Watching it felt good \u2013 until I hit the climax, when I\u2019d feel shame, guilt and loneliness.<\/p>\n Thankfully, this time I was more aware of what was happening.<\/p>\n In order to put myself off it for good, aged 28, I started researching the porn industry. Sure enough, the further I studied what was happening behind the scenes, arousal became apathy, and denial became disgust.<\/p>\n It\u2019s an industry proliferated with child trafficking, rape and human rights violations. It\u2019s also a multi-billion pound complex that preys on the human need for connection and sexual release.\u00a0<\/p>\n I know first-hand that it can distort your sense of self and image, make you compare yourself to reality stars who have sex on camera, and forget that it\u2019s not reflective of real life.<\/p>\n Once this discovery settled in, I knew I couldn\u2019t click another link again. Now, it has been a couple of months since then.<\/p>\n Deciding to stop watching adult material has been one of the best decisions that I\u2019ve ever made. I feel clear-headed, and have the ability to sit with boredom.\u00a0<\/p>\n I want those who can relate to realise that porn has more negative effects than positive ones. It\u2019s essential for us as humans to connect with others in a healthy way.<\/p>\n Looking back now, I was unaware of the impact it had on my life. It became a constant that I could rely on through everything, as well as a pacifier. It was almost comforting.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n But by staying away from it, I am starving the monster that crept into my life.<\/p>\n We must encourage more conversations about porn \u2013 I don\u2019t want any young people going down the same sticky path I did.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n