Is it wrong to call my partner ‘Daddy’ in bed? Why am I drawn to weird porn? Tracey Cox answers 9 quirky sex questions you’re too embarrassed to ask

• Tracey Cox has some honest answers to the quirky questions we all have
• READ MORE: ‘I’ve had more than 50 lovers – and I’m proud of it’: Tracey Cox talks to three women who refuse to be shamed by their ‘number’

Some sex questions we’ll cheerfully ask our mates at the pub.

Others we surreptitiously Google, looking nervously over our shoulder and hoping like hell the source we’re trusting is credible.

It’s not easy finding accurate, non-judgemental sex advice online – which is why I’ve done the hard bit for you.

Here are some honest and scientist or sex therapist approved answers to the quirky questions we all have.

US sex educator Justin Lehmiller surveyed 4,000 adults and found submission is one of the most popular fantasy themes – 87 per cent of people fantasied about taking on a submissive role during sex (stock image)

1. Is there such a thing as too much lubrication during sex?

Yes. We talk a lot about vaginal dryness, because that’s the more common problem, but if there’s too much lubrication, there’s no friction. Without friction, there’s no sensation which means both of you don’t feel very much during intercourse.

Some men take being over wet as a compliment, thinking it means you’re extremely excited and aroused. Which could be the case. But lubrication and arousal don’t always go hand in hand. You can be highly aroused and still not lubricate and be a woman who gets wet very easily but isn’t particularly turned on.

It’s always a good idea to get a GP to check things like this out but it could just be you’re wired that way and the cause is genetic. Or hormonal: the higher the oestrogen, the wetter you’ll be. You’ll be at your wettest at your most fertile.

Also look at your birth control method: IUD’s and the mini pill have been linked to changes in vaginal lubrication.

How to deal with it? The easiest is to keep a small towel or washcloth nearby during sex and dry yourself off now and then. Using a condom is an unpopular but effective solution; you can also try taking an anti-histamine an hour before sex.

2. Is it wrong to call your partner ‘Daddy’ in bed?

Fathers are an authority figure. Someone to be listened to and obeyed. This is usually about wanting to submit to someone dominant: you’re effectively saying, ‘You’re the boss and can do what you want to me’.

Calling your lover ‘Daddy’ reflects that dominant-submissive power dynamic and lots of couples enjoy playing this game.

Others not so much.

Calling a lover ‘Daddy’ has incestuous connotations which some people feel deeply disturbing, offensive, and ‘creepy’. An interesting reaction when we call our romantic partners ‘baby’ all the time with no-one getting their knickers in a twist.

Giving up power and letting your partner control you is the main theme of Fifty Shades of Grey. The fact that it was the fastest-selling paperback of all time is an indication of just how popular the ‘Call me Daddy’ phenomenon is. You can buy T-shirts and knickers with ‘Yes, Daddy’ on them.

US sex educator Justin Lehmiller surveyed 4,000 adults and found submission is one of the most popular fantasy themes. 87 per cent of people fantasied about taking on a submissive role during sex. In fact, more people fantasise about submission than dominance.

4. I can only orgasm when I’m on my own. What’s wrong with me? 

This is quite common.

Women often don’t orgasm during partner sex because the focus is on intercourse. The clitoris is outside the vagina, not inside, and intercourse doesn’t provide enough stimulation to trigger orgasm for most women. Without added clitoral stimulation, orgasm doesn’t happen for 80 per cent of women.

Most couples remedy this by giving her oral sex beforehand or using fingers or a vibrator during or after intercourse.

Another reason women don’t orgasm with a partner is performance anxiety. They feel pressure to orgasm and feeling stressed isn’t conducive to arousal. If you have body image issues, or don’t feel comfortable enough with your partner to really let go, it’s also unlikely you’ll climax.

When you masturbate solo, you aren’t usually hurried, judged or being watched.

3. Will having a baby make my vagina noticeably bigger?

Let’s be brutally honest here: pushing out a baby takes its toll. The good news is the vagina is built to handle childbirth and not only has the elasticity to expand, it has the capacity to retract.

Immediately after giving birth, it can look roomier, swollen or more open than it did before. But within a few days, the swelling will disappear and within a few weeks your vagina will contract and regain much of its muscle tone.

The more babies you’ve had and the larger they were, the more difference you’ll notice. But, for most women, with time and pelvic floor exercises you can help it return to a very close version of how it was pre-pregnancy.

Kegel exercises are crucial to recovery. Squeeze and hold the same muscle you use to stop the flow of urine, then release. Repeat in sets of 10 for five minutes a day, three times a day.

If you’re feeling like your vagina hasn’t contracted after two or three months, see your doctor. Could be you need a few visits to a pelvic floor physiotherapist.

5. Why do I watch weird porn featuring things that I have no interest in doing in real life?

Some of the most popular porn reflects sex that has little to do with the viewer’s actual sex lives. Real life sex and porn viewing exist on different planes.

On a basic level, we tune into ‘weird stuff’ simply because it exists. Porn offers endless diversity and humans get desensitised very easily. We crave newness and variety and since most of us watch porn alone, there’s no judgement when we click on taboo categories. The arousal also comes from the fact that what we’re watching is ‘wrong’ or ‘forbidden’.

The belief that our secret sexual fantasies are a giveaway of our ‘real’ personality is common but wrong. Step-family porn is hugely popular but very few people want to have sex with their actual step-parent or sibling in real life. We’re often aroused by something that goes against everything we believe (having rape fantasises, for instance). Watching something that’s diametrically opposed to who we are is exactly why it’s getting us going.

Science has proved that when you’re sexually aroused, things we would normally find disgusting magically aren’t. Evolutionists believe it’s the body’s way of making intercourse seem more attractive – which could also be perceived as ‘weird’ when unaroused.

Porn taste and partner taste are also quite different. The guy who gets off on big breasted, brassy blondes online might be attracted to petite brunettes in real life.

Tracey explains how having a man’s hands around your throat plays into the fantasy of being taken. It’s about ravishment – the person wants you so badly, they’ll do anything to have you

6. Why do some people like being choked during sex?

One poll of 1,500 women found while 57 per cent were very much against the practise of choking during sex, 32 percent had tried it and most were fans.

Having a man’s hands around your throat plays into the fantasy of being taken. It’s about ravishment – the person wants you so badly, they’ll do anything to have you. You feel erotic power over them, rather than the other way around. It’s also a power play: the person in charge can choke or suffocate their partner, the person being choked is being controlled. This dynamic provides a layer of sexual arousal for some people.

There’s also a physiological reason why people do it. The rush of breath that comes from being choked releases endorphins which create feelings of heightened exhilaration which intensify sexual sensations. (The same reason why people practice auto-erotic asphyxiation.)

While ‘pretend’ choking is reasonably safe (placing hands around the neck with a light hold), intentionally cutting off the air supply of someone while in the throes of sexual excitement is never going to be a great idea. Lots of people lose complete control when in the throes of orgasm and the wrong press on the larynx can kill in under a minute.

What’s the difference between a fantasy, a fetish, and a kink?

A fantasy is a mental image or thought that the person finds erotically arousing. This may or may not be something you’d also like to act out in real life. We might fantasise to orgasm about being whipped but run from the room if our partner appeared with one and intended to use it.

A fetish is when sexual gratification is strongly linked to an object, body part or activity, making it psychologically necessary for a sexual climax. If it’s a true fetish, that person cannot orgasm without the object, body part or activity. A person with a shoe fetish can’t enjoy sex without a shoe present.

A kink is having something you find consistently erotic but isn’t essential for you to have satisfying sex. If you like being spanked but can get aroused and orgasm without it, it’s a kink not a fetish.

7. Why does sex feel better from behind?

It’s how most animals have sex so speaks to his ‘animalistic’ urges: he’s in the dominant position because he’s in full control. It’s sex caveman style: primitive and raw.

It’s also the best position to stimulate the front vaginal wall, home of the ‘G-spot’. His penis has a direct hit at this small area that is highly sensitive and produces intense, almost violent orgasms.

If you have body image issues, sex from behind means you can’t see your lover looking at you. It removes the anxiety of feeling insecure about your physical appearance.

Removing eye contact means both of you can indulge in fantasy guilt-free. If you’re anxious your ‘orgasm face’ isn’t like what you see on Netflix, you can let go and contort in private during doggy-style sex. It’s also a lot more comfortable for him than missionary, when he must hover above you, supporting his body weight.

Either of you can easily reach to add clitoral stimulation and, if he’s a boob man, he can reach around and cup your breasts.

8. What is ‘squirting’ and is it the same as female ejaculation? Can all women do it?

‘Squirting’ refers to a (usually rapid) ejection of fluid from the vagina during orgasm which is usually urine.

Female ejaculation is when a woman ejaculates fluid through sexual stimulation that’s a mix of urine and other substances. Ejaculation is usually a small release of a milky white liquid which does not ‘gush’ out. Squirting is higher volume and erupts.

Just to confuse you further, it is possible to squirt and ejaculate at the same time.

A large study (done by OMGYES) published recently found four in 10 US women have ejaculated in their life and that, for a lot of women, both squirting and ejaculating is a frequent and normal part of sex.

It commonly accompanied orgasm (though a fifth said it never did) and 86 percent of women found the experience pleasurable.

Female ejaculate appears to be a mix of vaginal lubrication, fluid from the Skene’s gland, urine, and clear watery fluid.

Can all women ejaculate? Probably. But three quarters of the women in this study used specific techniques to make it happen. It’s less likely to spontaneously happen unexpectedly though it absolutely can do. I know a lot of women who ejaculated and/or squirted once – usually during an intense, highly erotic sex session – and haven’t since.

9. Is anal intercourse dangerous?

It can be if you don’t prepare properly. There is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to have anal intercourse. You need to prepare the rectum for penetration: it’s used to things coming out, not going in. This involves having anal play over several sex sessions: using sex toys and fingers and small vibrators to get the anus used to being comfortably penetrated. Not doing this means anal intercourse will hurt (a lot) and that there will be a higher risk of the rectum tearing.

The rectum isn’t self-lubricating. Doing it without using lube also ups the risk factor. Broken skin means it’s easy for infection to enter the blood stream and because the skin is more likely to tear during anal sex than vaginal sex, there’s a higher risk of STI’s like chlamydia, gonorrhoea, hepatitis, HIV and herpes.

Season seven of SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey starts today. Listen here or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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